Conflict Over Values - Lynne Namka
People bring different perspectives, talents and strengths to a relationship. Some conflict in relationships is inevitable, but there are ways to handle it so it is . It's easy to believe that your relationship is different from everyone else's. Even if you love each other, if you have fundamentally different values, may wear off and these two different approaches can come into conflict. But even if difference is the spice of life, at least as far as successful relationships go, you still have to deal with conflicts that emerge from these.
There is no point in having the secondary values if the primary values are not in place. This is because the secondary values only take on meaning and add to your relationship in the context of the primary values being met.
A great way of testing whether something is a primary or secondary value is to take something that you value and believe exists in your relationship and put it with something that is missing.
Also compare yours and their values, so for example: If you value intimacy and companionship, and they value their solitude, doing things their way, and no matter what they profess, they consistently do things that exclude you and make you feel anything but intimate or a companion, you are incompatible.
The closer you get, the more they will move away. Even if they like a little intimacy, they only want it when they want it, which may be little. And compare the values you say that you have with with the things that you look for in a relationship, so for example: You should also ask yourself, what secondary values will be clouded out if your primary values are not met? If you do this, you will end up with insubstantial relationships with conflicts of interest.
Think about what you value and ask yourself why you value it. Also look at the values that you expect a partner to have — do you embody them? If not, why not? Interesting values to ask yourself about are: Why do you value money? Why do you value appearance? Couples who play The Big Game polarize their demands. Each sits on an opposite pole caught in their own pain and shout at each other demanding change but ending up in locked up positions.
They believe that not only the other person can change, but that they should and right away! No wonder relationships in America are in such trouble! Intolerance in a relationship coupled with angry, coercive behaviors always cause distancing between the two people in the relationship.
Human beings do have a need for control in their life. However, when personal needs spill over into demanding changes from the partner, it backfires and prevents intimacy from developing.
Understanding your core values in relationships (no they’re not your common interests)
What we all want is to be loved and love others in return. But some people get caught up in destructive, intrusive behaviors that are used to try to obtain love. Their agenda becomes The quicker I can get you to agree with me and change, the better. Not knowing other ways to get what they want, they continue their demand behaviors for change. Their purpose is to obtain love for themselves but they end up criticizing their partner.
Me and my partner have very different values | Relate
Demanding the other person clean up their act is considered a coercion model of change. A circular loop of anger based on I have the right to tell you what to do keeps the couple caught in countless arguments.
The first scenario is when the first person is angry and demands change in the partner. The partner may comply with preserve peace but resents it. The behavior changes but then the partner slides back into old actions. The first person is angry and blames the person for not trying hard enough. He or she spends time justifying how bad the partner is for not meeting his or her needs and tries harder to change the partner.
People who demand change from their partners dig themselves in deeper and deeper into an impasse with their partner as they cycle around the loop of destructive communication. The second scenario is when the second partner responds by blaming and insisting on changes that he wants in the first person—tit for tat, but it ends up with constant fault finding. Attempts to change the other person, even though well intentioned, may become an even bigger problem. For some individuals, the constant trying to change the partner is the biggest problem they run up against, even bigger than the behavior in their partner that they are trying to change!
Some people keep themselves angry and upset through their attachment to their belief that they cannot be happy unless the partner changes. The result is poor self esteem, isolation and continual frustration.
Blaming, fights that no one wins and distancing characterize the relationship. Later the behaviors that seemed initially so stabilizing or freeing in their partner seem to wear thin. What they formerly valued in their partner becomes an irritant. The Big Game of Life begins in earnest.The BEST relationship advice EVER - Jordan Peterson
Then the war begins to try to make the partner over to be a carbon copy of their own values. Then the Hardening of the Categories begins— Once I believe something bad about your behavior, I look for data to confirm it. Instead of seeing their own need for control and insistence on having things their way, the other person becomes the enemy.
Psychologist Neil Jacobson and his colleagues have identified the most common differences between couples that set up most of the fights. These differences stem from basic value differences and world outlook. Some couples see their partner s flaws but have deep commitment to remaining in the relationship.
One Great Obstacle to Relationships: Values Conflicts – Relationship Realities
Some marriages last with happiness despite great differences in values. Their commitment is that they learn to accept their differences rather than make them sources of arguments. Some coupes agree to stay together and take on the daily challenges despite widely divergent needs and desires. It is as if each agrees Yes, I love and accept him or her despite those flaws. Yes, there are big value differences between us and we can stay together.
No matter what, we can work it out. How do couples weather out their basic differences to stay together to achieve a happy relationship.
They agree to stop pushing the buttons that set their partner off. They are committed to staying together despite their differences and put the interests of the partnership over fighting about who is right or wrong.
They accept that each partner is different and that differences bring variety and challenges to the relationship. True personal change involves openness, non-blaming and non-defensive communication about conflict.