You Don't Mess with the Zohan () - Full Cast & Crew - IMDb
Distributed by, Columbia Pictures. Release date. June 6, (). Running time. minutes. Country, United States. Language, English. Budget, $90 million. Box office, $ million. You Don't Mess with the Zohan is a American comedy film directed by Dennis Dugan and a grudge against Zohan for having taken his goat away in Palestine because. You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Adam Sandler movie. I tell you this: he didn't seem to care when I talk about goat fetching soap. Soup. The goat . Bush, he see the big picture. Explore and share the best Zohan GIFs and most popular animated GIFs here on GIPHY. Find Funny GIFs, Cute GIFs, Reaction GIFs and more.
Everyone is running To Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen For the food the heroes eat Kubeh, sambouesk, Delicious muchentuchen You never know who you'll meet You are going to get spoiled. This month, order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch This animal gets to live his dream.
I can no work Palestinian, no. I can't do this.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan - Wikipedia
Is your dream to cut hair. You want fight, or you want hair! You can do anything here. You never done something people thought was impossible! So you don't want to talk, huh! I'll make you talk. I can do this. Disco, disco, good, good.
So you have never cut hair before. I have cut my own hair and several dogs. I have the Paul Mitchell book, I have the stamina, the desire But you have no training or experience. Would you hire someone with experience in something else! Can anyone here do this! I have never seen that. That is very nice, but that is not going to help me.
Besides, I have no openings. If anything, I need to scale back Out of nowhere, some guy with a tie comes in and tells me I need to pay. I only wish to learn. I will do whatever it takes. You can sweep up hair a few shifts a week. But then, I will become stylist, yes! That could be a while. I will wait turn. I will get nighttime job for money. Soon the whole world will be silky smooth. I wonder how much she paid for them.
You know, leave it to her to buy the best tits. It's always first class with that one. You know you don't have to catch every piece of hair as it falls. You deserve a perfect floor.
One single hair is unacceptable. I think she is even more vivacious than her mother. Now, let's practice on Michael. Could you come in here, please! Oh, Scrappy needs to practice small-talking. Can we do this another time! I have a shot at keeping my food down.
Michael, I want to practice now. I'm afraid I'm terrible at this. Why won't you help me! You are good at everything you do. So you're making her silky smooth, huh, Claude! I'm framing her face. A nice layered style with the soft bangs I need to speak to you.
They will never get it out of me, I promise you. Coco, Claude is trying to work. So I am ready to cut hair today. So let's go, let's get it on. But I am the best. Don't tell me you're the best.
I run this place for five years. I think I know when you are ready to cut hair. Get a room, you two. I do not touch this with your penachim. Out of respect for the working. No, you don't eat where you shit. Or shit where you eat. The smell is bad. This is called a comb. Here, I take your leg up. I'm sorry about this. Thank you, Big Mac. I am really late for a hotel opening downtown.
I know the neighborhoods inside and backwards. I'm not in much of a hurry. You want some coffee back there! I will lose them. Nobody is following us. Have a good time, sir. Debbie, you did a good job. You look very bangable, Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you There was nothing attractive. But now, I must say, my schtitzel, it's about to burst. We are talking shop. You need to calm down now, okay! I don't think these customers like the way you talk shop. Coco, remember, respect for the workplace.
I have betrayed my salon. He's trying to kill himself. Easy on the ladies. She did not mind. Let me disinfect the scissors I'll just clean up. Claude, did you know about this! I should have told you. She's been looking for a new job since those rent guys came around.
Then why you no say nothing, little bitch! Don't worry, I'm not giving up on this place. You're a good guy, habibi. I don't know what to do.
Scrappy, I have enough problems right now. I not the problem.
Full Cast & Crew
But if you screw up I can't afford a screwup right now. I no screw up. I am the best for the job. Yeah, but you push and push. I have to care about salon. You care about you. And don't fight in front of the customer. Skitzer, I am afraid our stylist is out today. Would you care to wait for Claude! Does he do hair! He's not a regular. I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.
You will not regret this decision. Skitzer, let's cut your hair. Just lay back, Mrs. I'll take care of everything. Sexy woman like you deserves to be pampered. You've got the ass and tits of a schoolgirl and you know it. And everyone else knows this too, believe me. Let me get your earring off. Of course you do. I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.
You can cut Debbie's clients today. If they want you. I'll get to you all soon as I'm all the way done with Mrs. That all you got, Mrs. I give this to you. I am sorry, Mr. I'll give you stock options. I'll name a shampoo after you.
No, my loyalty is to here. I heard about this place from Joanne. You have to ask for Scrappy. Yes, is the primary cardholder present! Hello, I am calling from Spiegel catalogue. Are you between the ages of 18 and 39! We're trying to talk here. Have you ordered from catalogue in past six months!
Could you get off the phone while you drive! Hey, what's the matter! I trying to make a living, do my job. This is your job.
This is job also. This is not Iraq. I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq. And you're not getting a tip. And you are a stupid cow. I like this, the red hair. I bet she has a pumpkin patch down below, yes! Why don't you go after the snatchacheem in this place! They all want you, believe me.
Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure. I'm telling you, you're not picking up the signs. I'll show you a technique. You want the cut and color today!
She's going with it. Haynes, you're getting cold here. Gently move the shoulder. All you want to do is let her know you're here for her. Now look away like you're not even doing it. We're not doing this. Oh, you're pushing harder. It's starting to feel good on my end. I am trying to make money to start my own business, huh.
Would you say you read Spiegel once a month, twice Would you just get us to the hair salon! We're gonna miss our appointment. I curse you, and I curse your hair. What is big deal about this hair place anyway! They get worse every year. Okay, we'll take them to the truck. We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a Did you throw this shoe at me, my friend! Sure looks like it was you. Then who threw it! You're lucky I'm in good mood. I'll let you off the hook. Nobody spits on me.
Thank you for the goat, my friend. I said, "Can we have the receipt! We'll color your hair Bling-Bling Blond. This is what you need. You know what else they go for! I don't know what you have, but mine is the biggest.
It does not get bigger than this. I have the biggest. Take a look at this. The bush is the biggest. And the girls like this because it's cushion. It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one. I never forget a face. So, what do you want I do! You're on with Hamdi as well. Can you believe how much they pay Delgado! Why Mets do this! I explain why is emergency. This is not just man who take my goat. Everyone think Phantom kill him. Phantom not kill him. We will capture, then make trade with Israel. We will be heroes.
But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. We don't know for sure that this is him. Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah. Let them handle this. Hezbollah will take all the credit. This is our shot. Why not let Phantom capture him! Where's my chain of muchentuchen restaurants!
Salim, don't make this about yourself. This is about me. And about my goat! Come on, let's go! This is nice, the walking inside the outside. The park, the people, the horses, the kid. Well, you're always downtown. You should see a little more of New York. Yes, yes, this is good. The talking is good Oh, no, no, no. There will be no bang-booming. I just wanted to thank you for saving my business.
I feel you have helped me so much The right thing to do is to tap you so hard That's what I think. Look, why don't we just enjoy the park! This is what we do. Teach me how to. I learned softball when I came to the States. When you're Arab, it helps to fit in. Yeah, how long you move here ago! Just a few years ago.
I couldn't take it there anymore. All the hate, on both sides. Why you say this! No, no, I don't. The Australian-Tibet media is very biased. Look, both sides crazy. They just want to fight and fight. Nobody will win this way.
It has to stop. When will it end, eh! Okay, so you must be thirsty, no! Where you get this! From specialty shop on West Side.You Don't Mess With The Zohan: "Calling Phantom"
This Middle Eastern drink. It looks pretty good. Try, have a sip. It's not for me. This is his shop. Here is photo for compare. For how long this take! I close the newsstand. Make sure you ask him if he ever hit by shoe. And about the prize goat that can fetch a bowl of onion soup.
Look in his eyes when you ask him this, for they will be suffering. I feel like Hugh Hefner with all you little bunnies around here. Okay, okay, let's see who is going next. Okay, good-looking guy, you take a seat there. You know, you look like you already just got haircut. So I guessing you're looking for something in the silky smooth area!
You don't want to cut into those curls. We will talk about this over there. Okay, Scrappy, I wait. Is not like I have a shoe to throw. I don't have time to go watch a goat fetch soap. First I have to cut and bang Mrs. Well, I'm ready for it. I am sorry, Mrs. I am not man enough for you today. Oh, Scrappy, it's fine. I don't know what the problem is.
I am going to lose business. The screwing was really just a bonus. You are an angel, Mrs. An angel with a magic throat. No, that could work. Let's see what we got. And we're still nothing. He was very cool. What did he say! He think I have nice curls that go well with a full face. But hard to know. I tell you this: The goat fetched soup. This makes no sense. I know it's him. The goat fetched soup! You said it was urgent!
Please, take a look. Well, that's not a real problem. You can always shave it. No, not the bush. No, inside the bush. Maybe it needs some more oxygen. It looks like it's being strangled.
So the Palestinian says to the priest: No, is good joke. Honey, are you all right! You've been in there for over an hour. What is this stuff! I mean, I took one sip and I repainted the whole toilet. You'll get used to it, relax. I don't wanna get used to it. Is everything all right! He's usually as hard as trigonometry. The last few days. It's ever since you went out with that Dalia. Your hog is telling you something. She must be the one. Of course it's possible, man. All the beaverim in the world and he falls for Palestinian muffich.
Why should Scrappy care if she's Palestinian! He's from Australia and Tibet. What was that, a motor boat! Listen to your hog. I mean, you know, you guys won't be together anymore Thank you for your support.
Throw it to me. I wanna try it. Welcome to Hezbollah phone line. For membership information, press one. For negotiation update, press two. For bonus mile information, press three. For terrorist supplies, press four. We have currently suspended our terrorist supply service We will resume service as soon as negotiations break down. Just think of a bomb. They say you can make bomb from everyday's material. But what we combination! Just think of chemicals. Chemicals, like in science class.
Who remembers this stuff! Well, can I help you fellas find anything! Yes, do you have Well, I suppose we have some of that. Now, just a moment. Oh, it works quite well. From time to time. Look, you can turn off the water Oh, you like when I spray you, Mrs. I have your rent right here. There is no getting rid of me.
We don't wanna get rid of you. Walbridge would actually like to relocate your salon in our new mall. You mean the one you want to destroy this community to build!
It is not our intent to destroy this community. I'll take the community, Pancake. My name is Gray, and I'll be back. Nice to meet you, Pancake. You were amazing right there. Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.
I cannot make sticky with anyone else. You are the special one. I will only be stiff for you. Stiff, with an F. I know you meant that in a good way The best of ways. This has never happened. You see his face! Scared Israeli son of bitch.
Salim, this is not bomb. What you mean "not bomb"! It's grade A liquid nitrogen. Guys, I really need to go home. Inaz have a soccer match in the morning. Well, just go with it.
I scraped some off the window. Maybe you know what is! It's Neosporin, it's nothing. I use it for cuts and genital sores. We're beginning to think maybe someone out to get the Zo You mean like a competing salon! Don't be afraid, honey. No, she likes the tongue in the ear. Oh, I like that bet Oh, I like that. Close with the brenski. Come on, get some saliva on those bad boys. I could look for clues. It's my shift for community night watch.
The communism tight crotch! Oh, it's the community night watch program. You know, people in the neighborhood patrolling it, keeping it safe. We kick some ass. Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Coco take your shift tonight! I know it sounds scary, Scrappy, but you are gonna be just fine. Maybe I can manage one night. Maybe you can pretzel some people. I'm terrified right now. I wish I was shitting my pants. It's just a patrol. What if something goes down!
I don't know if I'd have the courage. What if something goes down and someone got killed! I would have to live with that. I'd be happier shitting my pants. Get out of here, Ahab, or I'll cut your eyes out. What you cut my eyes out with! My blade, camel jockey. My friend, the beating I give you if you stop the spraying What are you laughing at! That was just with everyone. They had it coming to them, right! Yeah, it seemed like it. Everything's gonna be okay.
What you gotta say about that, huh! You're telling me our guys can't handle We can't even put a scare into these people! The main guy who got in the way My aunt goes there. She says besides the sex, the guy gives a pretty good haircut. Don't talk to me about that dump. I've got a huge, classy hotel standing there I want it staring at the Supercuts. Now, has anyone made any headway with any of these foreign people!
I spoke to the manager of Going Out Of Business again yesterday. I stated our price and the urgency of the matter The people at Everything Must Go were just as difficult. They offered me a Blu-ray disc and a jar of hummus.
It's a very tasty Grant Walbridge has a vision. A vision for Lower Manhattan to have the first indoor mall You know, you're lucky I have a world-class superhot girlfriend She is smoking, sir. I'd pay to spend an hour with her, sir. Let me in on that. But if you bitches can't get those people out I will find other people who will get the job done. This is where I find them. But I don't know if it's same people who try to Neosporin salon. But you caught them writing this crap, so, what do you do!
Why did you do this to Naseef's store, huh! Why you blame the Israelis! We come to work, go out of business. Is not Israeli who do this. I do community watch. Don't worry, it's all taken care of. Who else would write "Arab go home"! Oh, I don't know, just maybe 99 percent of the world.
Come on, come on. You guys get along here, stop this. Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there, the war is never going to end. You know, we were so close to peace before the asshole shot Rabin. Bush, he see the big picture. Bush no want peace, he set it all back. What about Bush's wife!
This is a wife I would get sticky with. I would do this. I would do Hillary. Yeah, she look strict, like she's going to teach me a lesson. She has beautiful legs. If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife. This is what happens when they talk politics. No, no, no, wife of McCain! She has the ass, and you know she's not getting any. I understand my assistant explained the job to you. You wanna get some people out your building Sir, I just wanna thank you for this opportunity.
I mean, it's a gift to mess with the Jews and the terrorists on the same night. I mean, it's like It's like Christmas in July. Right now we are scheduled to sabotage Well, I'm not really quite sure how you move a parade. That's easy, it's just a phone call. Well, we'll be calling back to make the arrangements. Can I just say that I don't like most rich people, but you get it.
We built this country on the right to bear arms. Now they're trying to tell me how many bullets my gun can shoot per second. They're trying to tell me whether I can stockpile weapons You and Mel Gibson. Welcome to Hezbollah customer service. All lines are busy now. Your call will be received in Come on with this. How we find Phantom! Well, he probably hang at the muchentuchen restaurant. He have, like, In downtown he get the hottest poochibaba.
What's the area code of Amman! I want speak Phantom. Want speak to Phantom. Yeah, yeah, I know. But Phantom no come! But what about for poonibaba! No, no, poonibaba at store on 3rd and Lachalta. So you have number for store! You don't have number for other store! Come on, get number! I calling from America, fry bitch! When she is grown up she will understand! I find the Zohan. You not kill the Zohan. I kill the Zohan. Oori takes him to an area in lower Manhattan populated with Middle Eastern immigrants, who are split between a Palestinian side and an Israeli side of the street.
Zohan is fearful at first, but after Oori informs him of Phantom's success running a muchentuchen restaurant chain, Zohan attempts to land a job in a struggling salon of a Palestinian woman named Dalia Emmanuelle Chriqui. Dalia reluctantly allows Zohan to sweep floors for free, but after losing one of her employees and an apparent attempt at suicideshe allows him to be a stylist after he pleases a senior lady with an exceptional haircut and back room sexual service.
Zohan's reputation spreads rapidly among the more elderly women of lower Manhattan, causing Dalia's business to prosper, which upsets Grant Walbridge Michael Buffera corporate magnate who has been trying to buy out all the local tenants on the block so that he can build a rollercoaster mall.
Zohan is identified by a Palestinian cab driver named Salim Rob Schneiderwho bears a grudge against Zohan for having taken his goat away in Palestine because Salim spat on him.
Salim convinces his friends, Hamdi and Nasi, to help him kill Zohan, but after two failed attempts to contact another terrorist through a customer service line, and a failed bomb attempt in which they confuse 12 boxes of Neosporin for liquid nitrogenthanks to Salim mispronouncing the wordthey are forced to contact Phantom and convince him to visit New York to find Zohan.
Meanwhile, after Zohan takes Michael's shift for a community nightwatch and takes out a series of graffiti artists, which frustrates Walbridge even further, he realizes that he has fallen in love with Dalia and comes clean to Michael and his mother about his true identity after learning of Phantom's visit, even though Michael had apparently figured that out already before meeting Dalia.
Dalia rejects Zohan after he reveals he was formerly an Israeli counterterrorist operative. Zohan decides to leave Dalia to protect her, though she gives him a Paul Mitchell book as a leaving gift, and confront Phantom in a championship Hacky Sack game sponsored by Walbridge. Zohan's fight is cut short with sudden news of the Middle Eastern block being attacked, and he quickly leaves, shortly after discussing his plans with Michael and an undercover agent.
Harry Denton Zohan arrives and calms the Israelis and Palestinians, who each blame the other for the violence, while making peace with Salim. Phantom then appears and confronts Zohan, but Zohan refuses to fight. Dalia appears, revealing that she is Phantom's sister, and convinces her brother to cooperate with Zohan against the arsonists, revealed to be racist rednecks hired by Walbridge to instigate an interethnic riot so he can get his new mall in the aftermath.