40 Relationship Tips That Are Actually Terrible Advice
It's easy to believe that your relationship is different from everyone else's. It's probably not. Relationships take effort to maintain, and you won't. Take it from the pros: This advice will ensure your relationship stays healthy in the long run. | Greatist | Health and Fitness News, Tips, Recipes. Put simply, the part of the relationship you like is the one that allows you to hurt and be hurt. You need counseling, but not with her — just by yourself. Problem.
You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat seriously, someone said that — these things all matter and add up over the long run. This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage.
A good marriage makes good kids.
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So keep your marriage the top priority. Make time for it. Oh, and speaking of sex… Sex Matters… A Lot. Sex starts to slide. No other test required.
We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits. It was everything a year-old male could ask for.
We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up. To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it. It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb year-old, this was a complete shocker. That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: If the relationship is good, the sex will be good.
You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window.
This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails. The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples — some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies — but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships.
That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues i. A few people even said that when things start to feel stale in the relationship, they agree to have sex every day for a week. Then, as if by magic, by the next week, they feel great again. Cue the Marvin Gaye tunes: The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is.
We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves.
Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving although not all at the same time. The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. Well, maybe if you had been listening, asshole. The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic.
If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties. My wife loves cleaning no, seriouslybut she hates smelly stuff.
So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? Here honey, let me get that for you. On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off? How much can each person spend without consulting the other?
What purchases should be done together or do you trust each other to do separately? How do you decide which vacations to go on? Have meetings about this stuff. She immediately told me not to laugh, but that she was serious. I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing.
So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference.
A nurse emailed saying that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. And one day she was talking to a man in his lates about marriage and why his had lasted so long. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money.
Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go.
Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.
I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker.
I knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. I bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would pass as suddenly as it had arrived. Fortunately, it did and I love her more than ever. So the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason.
Be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place. As always, it was humbling to see all of the wisdom and life experience out there. There were many, many, many excellent responses, with kind, heartfelt advice.
It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing. Exercises like this always amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers. But in both cases nowthe vast majority of the advice has largely been the same.
It shows you how similar we really are. And how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think. I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it far better than I ever could.
That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy.
Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary or more often. Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them.
You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home.
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This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always.
Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Become more comfortable with yourself. The root cause of jealousy is almost always insecurity. What this means is that the only way you can stop it on your end is to be more comfortable with yourself.
Stop projecting your own insecurities onto the other person.
Focus on the good things in the relationship. Stop thinking you can read her mind. This can disrupt the feedback loop causing constant jealousy in your relationships. Here, you can only lead by example.
The Relationship Advice No One Ever Tells You—But Should
One or Both of You Is Bored Boredom is almost inevitable in relationships if the relationship lasts long enough. It is easy to settle into a routine and routines and boredom go together like peanut butter and jelly. With one in five women breaking up because they missed being single, you need to take boredom seriously. Do something new and exciting together. Maybe it means you take a trip around the world, maybe it means you take a dance class together. The point is that you need to introduce novelty into the relationship.
In fact, the hardest part will probably be deciding from among many options. Go rent a hotel room and party all weekend. Explore a New City: I wrote a piece on Dating Ideas for the Adventurous that might help.
Check it out before you plan your next adventure date. The real problem is something else — anything else. This can be anything from tantric sex to taking a BDSM workshop. The main thing is that you two need to have a frank conversation about your sex life. Make it fun, not heavy. For a sexual relationship to prosper, you need to be pleasing her and she needs to be pleasing you.
It places stress on both of you and thus, the whole relationship. Not only does it cause stress, it can also cause resentment and resentment is toxic. So if one or both of you is always trying to change the other one, what do you do? Accept that the other person is who they are and demand the same. Men and women are not the same. Both of you need to accept this. The moral of the story?
It is important to stay true the person your partner married: Making healthy decisions to treat the wounds heal them, not time. So stop focusing on who does what.
Less resentment, more gratitude, more happiness, more spontaneous affection.
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- 40 Relationship Tips That Are Actually Terrible Advice
No one can predict what another person will do. You get to give your partner in life the moon and the stars without becoming a doormat, and in the process of laying out the requirements for your third alternative, you learn so much about each other.
Plus, some guys are better-suited to household roles.