Polyamory, also known as consensual non-monogamy, seems to be who is mostly straight, is not currently in a polyamorous relationship with. "I know three perfectly regular people involved in polyamorous relationships, and at least two in open marriages.". Most often, when we're talking about consensual non-monogamous relationships that aren't entirely sexual, we're talking about polyamory. There are plenty of.
Research suggests this is not true: CNM relationships have equitable levels of commitment, longevity, satisfaction, passion, greater levels of trust, and lower levels of jealousy compared to monogamous relationships. Research suggests psychological well-being is independent of relationship structure. There are a number of scholarly articles written mostly by women-identified authors that address how polyamory is grounded in feminism, promotes equity, and empowers women; this is one example.
Feminist scholars have also articulated how traditional monogamous structures are more likely to uphold a system of gender oppression and how polyamorous women tend to indicate feeling more empowered and have more expanded family, cultural, gender, and sexual roles.
CNM is just an excuse to cheat. CNM is by no means trying to excuse cheating or make light of breaches of trust. People engaged in CNM agree that deception is generally harmful and should be avoided. CNM promotes having honest dialogue about nonmonogamous desires to avoid deception and create space for honesty and authentic relating.
Monogamy protects against jealousy. While monogamy may act as a buffer from certain experiences that provoke jealousy, it may also act as a barrier to addressing any fear or insecurity driving the jealousy.
What we do know is that jealousy levels tend to be significantly higher in monogamous relationships. Children are negatively impacted. There does not appear to be evidence to suggest that children of poly parents are faring any better or worse than children of monogamous parents.
Given the number of blended families, having more than one parent seems to be pretty normalized. Q Beyond the monogamy aspect, obviously, are CNM and monogamous relationships substantially different in terms of benefits and expectations? Jes Matsickand I published a paper this last year where we asked people in CNM relationships about the benefits of consensual nonmonogamy.
We then compared their responses with a separate study of people in monogamous relationships who were asked about the benefits of monogamy.
We identified six benefits shared by both groups, two benefits unique to monogamy, as well as four benefits unique to consensual nonmonogamy. Both populations enjoy having family or community benefits, a sense of enhanced trust, enhanced sexual life, enhanced love, enhanced communication, and enhanced commitment. But what people talked about within these shared benefits was different for CNM and monogamous people. As an example, within family or community benefits, monogamous people talked about a traditional family environment, while CNM people talked about having a larger, chosen family network.
Both groups spoke of the financial benefits to the family by having more than one income and multiple people to share responsibilities.
In terms of trust, people in monogamous relationships talked about building trust by being faithful and experiencing less jealousy. People in nonmonogamous relationships talked about building trust by being able to be fully honest and open about a wider range of their internal experiences.
In terms of sexual benefits, people in monogamous relationships talked about experiencing comfort and consistency and not having to worry about STIs.
Nonmonogamous people talked about the benefits of increased variety of sex and experimentation, and they felt they were having better and more frequent sex than when they were monogamous. Love is another big category. Nonmonogamous people spoke of being able to love multiple people, experiencing greater amounts and depth of love, as well as less pressure about choosing whom to love.
A Therapist on Polyamory and Consensual Nonmonogamy | Goop
People in monogamous relationships mentioned experiencing a sense of depth and respect in their communication where people in nonmonogamous relationships talked about open and honest communication, having more opinions, and how nonmonogamy enhanced their communication skills.
In terms of commitment, monogamists talked about the emotional security, dependability, and ease that come with monogamy. With nonmonogamy, people talked about having more emotional support, enhanced security and stability from having multiple partners because they not putting all their eggs in one basket—they can depend on multiple people. Our study points out how most benefits are shared, but there are unique aspects of monogamy and CNM.
I think of it as being similar to being a dog or a cat person. Dog and cat owners may experience similar benefits and comforts from being a pet owner but are likely to tell you that there are distinct perks to different animals.
They may even want to debate about why one is better than the other. To suggest one is universally better than the other seems futile. Q What do people feel are the unique benefits of CNM in contrast to monogamy? For example, our consensual nonmonogamy participants spoke of having a more diversified need fulfillment.
They also talked about how CNM facilitated personal development and growth for a number of reasons, such as: Q How do you ethically bring external people into your relationship? You may want to read a book together to provide some guidance discovering what type of CNM may be a good fit.
Despite your planning, you are likely to encounter unanticipated dynamics and feelings. Expect to be surprised by what you or your partner feel, and set aside time to nonjudgmentally process your experiences. Some people test the water by asking about related topics to see how their partner responds while others approach it directly. There are a few principles, however, that come to mind.
Fully acknowledge the legitimacy of their feelings. Avoiding, minimizing, or rushing through this part of the process will not serve you or your partner.
Be patient and supportive. Doing so is the only way to create space for your partner to step into curiosity about the evolution of your desire. Your partner may conflate their desire for connection with judgment. While in their anger or surprise, your partner may make accusations or judge you or CNM.
Being drawn to multiple people is stigmatized and it can be a lightning rod. Try to ride the wave and do your best not to personalize any attacks.
- All you need is loves: the truth about polyamory
- A Therapist on Polyamory and Consensual Nonmonogamy
- There is such a thing as ethical non-monogamy
They may not have the language to say it, but their anger stems from their desire to be connected to you. Again, reading a book or exploring online resources together may be helpful. Both of you need a supportive community.
Hopefully you have friends or family who would be supportive, but many people do not. You may also want to seek out a therapist.
Granted, finding a therapist who is educated about CNM can be difficult, but we are working on that. Poly-friendly Professionals is a great place to start. Q What if the exploration is born of being less interested in the primary relationship? In her book Mating in CaptivityEsther Perel goes into detail about how discussing or engaging in CNM can enhance or recharge a relationship. Whatever the source of your curiosity, it is worth examining because it points to your authentic desires.
Q How do you navigate dating in the CNM community? Principles regarding trust, honesty, communication, conscientiousness, emotional maturity, commitment, love, self-awareness, and sexual chemistry all still apply. While there are more similarities than differences, there are differences. But there are several forms of consensual non-monogamy, also known as ethical non-monogamy, in which all parties are honest and open. There are open marriages, in which partners are "allowed" to have sex with others, usually with certain conditions for example, only on business trips, or only one-night stands.
And finally, there is polyamory, in which individuals negotiate multiple romantic relationships at once. Loading Consensual non-monogamy is gradually becoming more visible in the media.
All you need is loves: the truth about polyamory | Life and style | The Guardian
Dan Savage, American sex columnist and podcaster, talks frequently about "monogamish" relationships on his podcast, the Savage Lovecast. I know three perfectly regular people involved in polyamorous relationships, and at least two in open marriages. Chances are, you do too. They just may not have disclosed it to you. And yet consensual non-monogamy is still regarded by many as weird or fringe, and by others including me as preposterously difficult.
It involves getting naked with another person and exchanging bodily fluids. How do you manage the jealousy when your partner is out bonking someone else?
How do you create intimacy and commitment without sexual exclusivity? Jealousy seems to be an issue in many non-monogamous relationships, but it is managed through discussions and negotiations and debriefings. But — according to one study, anyway — jealousy is more of an issue in ostensibly monogamous relationships. Loading As for catching feelings, well, it does seem that plenty of people are perfectly able to have sex without emotional intimacy.
After all, dating sites are flooded with single people pursuing no-strings, casual sex, so surely those who already have primary partners can do the same thing?
They share homes, social lives, children, extended family.