Marriage Is A Give And Give Relationship
Unconditional love or love that only wants to give and not take or expect, strengthens and is healing, it never hurts or inflicts pain on the other. We say that marriage is a give and give relationship at its core, which sets it apart , of give and take, even subconsciously, you will not feel the love you seek. The Social Exchange Theory is an interesting term, used to describe the relationship between two people as an exchange process. The give and take approach.
This is not to be applied exclusive of self-care and self-protection.
So if you listen to this — it should be taken in with the existing understanding that you first and foremost must care for and love yourself and be with a person who is capable of loving and respecting you back. None of what I will say should make you think that I am implying otherwise. Self-love and knowing how to take care of yourself is the building block to being capable of a loving and mutually supportive relationship.
Give and Take
If you are NOT in a relationship that is mutually loving, this is not for you. It could even be dangerous because that other person will not be capable of reciprocating the balance necessary. I have a lot of tools in this one — many of them are for being the most effectively supportive if your partner is suffering and many are for breaking through to an empowered position when powerful emotional patterns take over.
The times when intimacy is not fun and you are both struggling to find a path to be loving in the midst of life stress. When two people get intimate, another human becomes a very major your focus — you cannot separate yourself completely when you operate as a pair.
And that can make you feel frustrated, overwhelmed and powerless. For the good of making love work. There are three parts — the what, the why and the how — the tools. Take what helps and leave the rest! Not consciously, at least. And because of that image, we choose our mate. We commit — we fall in love. We grow at different speeds — in different directions.
So it is an average life experience that the elasticity of a bond will be tested. And this continuous growth and shifting is why relationships are hard — because they require we work. They require we accommodate, accept, and grow above. And they require we show up for ourselves as an individual: When you enter into a relationship, you are meant to be whole and complete. Ready to share this work of art that is you!
Because a relationship is one of mutual rewards and not debts owed. That is why you choose very wisely a deserving mate, and then give them this very special and precious gift that is your loving and bountiful soul. So by default, what you ask of this other person should always come from that whole place — it is not a NEED that they do anything to make you happy.
It is a want, but not a mandate — for their love is always a gift to you. However, in the real world — the one filled with stress and not enough sleep, most of us tend to regress into old emotional baggage patterns. Because, with habit — our unconscious self takes over. When we are stressed, busy, worried, taxed, emotionally drained, chemically compromised or in a pattern of nonstop overthinking —we begin to operate from a survival mode state.
What are my wants — what should this other person do for me. These needs that they are meant to fulfill for us, do not exist in reality — they exist in our emotional muscle memory. They are like echoes of the way our childhood love maps were formed: In fact, we all recognize marriage is unique, but most have not considered this uniqueness; what makes it unique?
And what is it about marriage that makes it highly desirable? We, The Marriage Foundation, say that marriage is a give and give relationship at its core, which sets it apart, and above, from all other relationships. Other relationships are shallow compared to marriage. This does not mean that all relationships are shallow, of course. When you live your marriage correctly, the benefits are indescribable. But the key is in how you live your marriage. If you treat marriage like any other relationship, you will never get the great marital benefits that everyone assumes materializes all by themselves.
If you behave in a give-and-take mode, expecting good behaviors to get your spouse reciprocating, you will end up disappointed. Marriage does not operate upon the give-and-take principle of reciprocity. An exact balance is not always required as trust acts to make this a 'sloppy' system. The greater the trust, the more negative the balance can become before concern about repayment arises.
If I trust you then I will give a lot before I seek to take in return, confident that you will repay me at some time in the future. In each relationship there is a bucket system of 'social capital' where we make deposits and withdrawals from the bucket. The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with the formula emotion x time. If you spend two hours helping someone, and they spend an hour helping you, then, if the emotional exchange is equal, they still owe you an hour.
Emotional complexity The problem in balancing the books of social exchange is that emotion is a complex variable.
How to give and get more love in your relationship - HelloGiggles
If you help me for an hour and I am very grateful, then I may feel a need to help you for three hours doing something in return. Gratitude is hence a powerful driving emotion in social exchange. When I help you, it is your gratitude that is the deposit in my account that motivates you to repay me, not just the fact that I helped you. Other emotions complicate the situation.
For example if I help you and expect you to be grateful, then my feelings of expectation will give me the impression that I have earned a certain amount of social capital, and that my bucket is a little fuller as yours is a little emptier. Yet if you are not that grateful, you will not think you owe me that much. In fact if you did not need or want my help then you may think you owe me nothing.
And if you see my help as an intrusion or an attempted 'robbery' in forcing me to owe you in return then your feelings of resentment will tip the balance the other way as you believe I owe you some reparation for the wrong done. In this way positive and negative emotions have opposite effects on the social capital bucket, and the stronger the emotion, the bigger the effect. If you hurt me in any way, then you owe me.
If you help me then I owe you. Love and hate are enduring emotions that have a big effect on give and take. If I love you then I will give much.
Even if you do little in return, I will feel good for having helped you and hence effectively reward myself with good feelings rather than expect things from you.
The extreme form of this is unconditional love which, as the name suggests, expects nothing in return. Love can also complicate the bucket when it leads to lower expected reciprocity. My expressions of love for you may make you feel that I expect little. This can cause resentment and anger that results in recriminations that erode the love, effectively 'killing the golden goose'.
Hate is often based in the belief that the other person owes a great deal, which justifies attacks that take much from them. When others refuse to repay what we believe they owe us then our emotions become negative and hence motivate harmful action.